No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
