Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
