we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
