At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
