Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
