I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
