So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
