Apparently you make a good broom.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
