I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
