Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
