I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
