I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You ruined the universe
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
