I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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