so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Sober January is a disaster.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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