so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
