how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
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How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
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She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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