By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
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Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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