I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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