he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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