I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
