also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
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just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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