I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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