i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
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I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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