my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
