i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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