he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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