My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
