Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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