am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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