Sry I called you an 8
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
