Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
