Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
