Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
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I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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