i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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