You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
