Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
