i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
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