I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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