He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
