I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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