I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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