well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
