Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
