i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
