things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
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The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
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I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.