I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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