one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
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Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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