Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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