I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
