Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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