Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
