so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
