Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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