i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
