Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
only you would photoshop your dick
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You pole danced in your parka.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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