I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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