Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Randomize
