God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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