she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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