I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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