I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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